Hello to all my Good Moms Gone Bad out there!
If you have more than one child, you've heard something along these lines before: "She ALWAYS gets whatever she wants!" Or "He NEVER gets in trouble" Or "You like HER better than me! She's your favorite!!"
My typical response is to point out the ridiculousness of these comments and list instances of how these statements are not true. (IE, LECTURE!). However the other day I heard a radio D.J. talking about a book on siblings, and the author argued that most parents DO have a favorite child. While I don't believe this is true, it prompted a discussion between myself and other co-workers about how certain children behave better than others at times, or have more in common with us. And how it is inevitable that we may want to spend more time with, or be a bit kinder, to a child we are getting along better with at any given time in our lives.
On the lighter side, a co-worker suggested that next time one of my children says "She's your favorite!", I answer; "At the moment, Yes, she is! But if you work harder, you could be!" And thus, an idea was born... I'm thrilled to announce the creation of a new game the whole family can play, titled "Mom's Favorite Child of the Month!"
Rules are fairly simple. Each month competition begins anew. Any child can play, any child can win! (See how FAIR I can be!?) No minimum or maximum age requirement. The more kind, respectful and well-behaved the child is, the more they advance in the game. Conversely, the more unkind, disrespectful and mis-behaved the child is, the more they retreat.
Points awarded as follows:
Breakfast in bed for Mom or making your own dinner - 10 points (extra 5 points if you clean up the mess you made preparing the food!)
Cleaning your room - 1 point (Hey, you're supposed to clean it anyway, its YOUR ROOM!)
Cleaning any other room of the house - 10 points (5 extra for the bathroom - YUCK!)
Writing Mom a letter about how much you appreciate and love her - 15 points (Is this bribery?)
Homework done every night, without harrassment or whining - 5 points
Massage or foot rub for Mom - 15 points if you do it well. (Only 5 points for effort with out successful pain relief)
Helping Mom carry in and put away the groceries - 5 points (Gosh I'm nice! You should be doing this anyway!)
After dinner, thanking Mom for an awesome meal, and cleaning up your own mess - 10 points
Telling your sibling "It's ok that you broke my favorite toy, accidents happen!" - 10 points (But you may have to splash Mom's face with water when she passes out in shock from your response!)
Now, just as good behavior is rewarded, misbehaving will cause you to be penalized. Point deductions as follows:
Waking up kicking, whining, snapping at people, or laying around for 20 minutes - Lose 10 points
Putzing around until the last minute, causing us to leave the house late - Lose 15 points
Telling your sibling they are stupid, ugly, they stink, or other various insults - Lose 5 points
Telling mom she is stupid, ugly, she stinks or other various insults - Lose 10 points and get a smack on the butt
Waiting until we get everything packed in the car and ready to go and THEN telling me you are hungry, thirsty or have to go to the restroom - Lose 10 points
Yelling at Mom because she forgot the bagel at work that SHE bought for YOU along with the donut and 3-dollar fruit drink that you spilled in the car in the morning - Lose 15 points and listen to Mom rant about how much she does for you that you don't appreciate.
Telling Mom at 8pm on Thursday night that you have 5-page paper or project due on Friday that you were supposed to be working on all week - Lose 10 points.
Telling Mom "She's your favorite! She gets EVERYTHING she wants and NEVER gets in trouble" - Lose 10 points.
OK Folks, tally up your points at the end of the month. Whoever has the most points is Mom's Favorite Child of the Month. But if you didn't win this month, take heart! A new month begins a new competition, and YOU TOO could be Mom's Favorite. Just try a little harder!
NOTE: If all children have NEGATIVE scores, everyone loses access to electronics for a month, NO one is Mom's Favorite Child of the Month, and Mom is going to be one cranky bitch!
Good luck everyone! May your children compete like they never have before for the honor of being Mom's Favorite!
Humorous truths of Motherhood
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Thursday, September 22, 2011
The Talk
Most of us dread having "The Talk" with our daughters. We want to keep them young and innocent as long as we can. Well I've had the talk on many different levels with all three of my daughters (16, 21 & 23). The talk has been given in small doses, we may be watching something on T.V, just chatting, or on numerous occasions it comes about while we listen to the radio in the car. I like to challenge their thoughts on what mainstream America passes as acceptable sexual behavior. I Thought I was doing an O.K job................
Trying to be a "good" mom I thought I would surprise my daughter by cleaning out her car for her. She is working out of state and was returning home in a couple days. I figured I would clean out the trash, vacuum and Armour all clean everything. It wasn't as dirty as I thought, I grabbed the vacuum and went to put the seats back so I could get underneath them..............and there it was
A Strawberry flavored EMPTY condom wrapper.
Needless to say I was the one surprised. Oh, the thoughts that run through your mind in situations like these.
Who
Why
What!
What!
WHAT!
The tough part is, she's an adult, it's her car, she pays her insurance, her gas....Do I talk to her about it????
Hell yes!
I called her, got her message, left my own message...Went something like this:
Hi, just wanted to call and see how your doing? by the way, I was cleaning out your car to surprise you and I was the one surprised...Found a very DISTURBING item under your front seat. Call me back. Love You.
Well from there on we played phone tag for two days. She left me a couple messages asking what was going on...wondering what I found...etc...
I finally left her a message the end of the second day. I basically told her I had found a Strawberry flavored empty condom wrapper under her front seat. I stated the facts that were obvious to me.
1) You have not had a boyfriend in a long time
2) It flavored?
3) Its in your car
4) your an adult...But Still
5) You have not had a boyfriend in a long time.....again
6) I guess the bright side is you practiced safe sex
7) Its in your car............again
I went on to explain that I loved her and she could make her own decisions in these regards, but I still found it disturbing and would try and respect her decisions on what she does, but she knows where I stand.
Well needles to say it took her another day to call me back and when I saw her name come up on my ID, I had to calm myself because my mind was screaming and I wanted to talk in my Good Mom voice and not my Crazy, What the hell were you thinking Mom voice. Must of been her lucky day, just as I answered the phone my husband came in. He does not know and maybe never will. So I spoke to her calmly, talking only of superficial things. She responded to my message by saying she was sorry I had to find that in her car. Little does she know "The talk" is far from over.
Trying to be a "good" mom I thought I would surprise my daughter by cleaning out her car for her. She is working out of state and was returning home in a couple days. I figured I would clean out the trash, vacuum and Armour all clean everything. It wasn't as dirty as I thought, I grabbed the vacuum and went to put the seats back so I could get underneath them..............and there it was
A Strawberry flavored EMPTY condom wrapper.
Needless to say I was the one surprised. Oh, the thoughts that run through your mind in situations like these.
Who
Why
What!
What!
WHAT!
The tough part is, she's an adult, it's her car, she pays her insurance, her gas....Do I talk to her about it????
Hell yes!
I called her, got her message, left my own message...Went something like this:
Hi, just wanted to call and see how your doing? by the way, I was cleaning out your car to surprise you and I was the one surprised...Found a very DISTURBING item under your front seat. Call me back. Love You.
Well from there on we played phone tag for two days. She left me a couple messages asking what was going on...wondering what I found...etc...
I finally left her a message the end of the second day. I basically told her I had found a Strawberry flavored empty condom wrapper under her front seat. I stated the facts that were obvious to me.
1) You have not had a boyfriend in a long time
2) It flavored?
3) Its in your car
4) your an adult...But Still
5) You have not had a boyfriend in a long time.....again
6) I guess the bright side is you practiced safe sex
7) Its in your car............again
I went on to explain that I loved her and she could make her own decisions in these regards, but I still found it disturbing and would try and respect her decisions on what she does, but she knows where I stand.
Well needles to say it took her another day to call me back and when I saw her name come up on my ID, I had to calm myself because my mind was screaming and I wanted to talk in my Good Mom voice and not my Crazy, What the hell were you thinking Mom voice. Must of been her lucky day, just as I answered the phone my husband came in. He does not know and maybe never will. So I spoke to her calmly, talking only of superficial things. She responded to my message by saying she was sorry I had to find that in her car. Little does she know "The talk" is far from over.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
The Stand-Off
So, all you good Momma's (occasionally gone bad) out there.... Ever find yourself in a stand-off with one of your children over something entirely ridiculous, but refuse to concede just because Damn It, I'm the Mom and I WILL NOT CHANGE MY MIND!
Let me tell you about last night at bedtime. Time for my youngest daughter to put the book down and go to sleep... The story goes something like this...
Me: Time for bed, sweetie. Time to put the book away.
My Little Darling (MLD): Mom, reading helps me get sleepy. Can I keep reading?
Me: No sweetie, its already late, and you already have a hard time getting up in the morning. I want you to put the book away and go to sleep.
MLD: But Mom, it really does help me get sleepy!
Me: I know it does sweetie, but I think if you put the book down and shut your eyes, you'll fall asleep quickly.
MLD: I want to be alone. Can you go to your room? (Code for "I want to keep reading when you are not looking." This is my sneaky little darling!)
Me: No, I think I'm going to stay in here with you for a bit and tuck you in.
MLD: I just want to be alone Mom, please!
Me: No sweetie. Get in bed, put the book away, and get some sleep. You look very tired.
MLD: Please Mom, let me be alone. I just want to be alone!
(My Little Darling climbs out of bed, laying on the floor pouting now.)
Me: Get back in the bed and lay down, its getting late.
MLD: Please Mom, I just want to be alone!
(Repeat last two lines of dialogue about 3 times....then....)
Me: Get in this bed now, or you will not have access to any electronics for the next week.
MLD: Please Mom! Why don't you trust me? I'm NOT going to read. I just want to be alone. I never get to be alone!
I'd like to say this scenario ended nicely, but regrettably I will admit that I layed there for 5 to 10 minutes seeing red. Thinking to myself; "Why don't I just leave the room and let her sleep, or even read the DAMN BOOK for all I care!" Then thinking to myself; "Because Damn It, I'm the Mom and I WILL NOT CHANGE MY MIND!"
It ended something like this...
Me: I'm leaving now, and you BETTER not pick up that book when I leave the room! (Walking out angrily)
MLD (with sadness in her voice): I'm sorry I hurt your feelings Mom..."
Me (under my breath): What feelings? I'm a Mom, I don't have any!
And so goes another day in the life of a Good Mom Gone Bad. Thankfully I have another day to try it all over again. And believe me, my nightly prayer is that I do it all a little bit better the next day!
Let me tell you about last night at bedtime. Time for my youngest daughter to put the book down and go to sleep... The story goes something like this...
Me: Time for bed, sweetie. Time to put the book away.
My Little Darling (MLD): Mom, reading helps me get sleepy. Can I keep reading?
Me: No sweetie, its already late, and you already have a hard time getting up in the morning. I want you to put the book away and go to sleep.
MLD: But Mom, it really does help me get sleepy!
Me: I know it does sweetie, but I think if you put the book down and shut your eyes, you'll fall asleep quickly.
MLD: I want to be alone. Can you go to your room? (Code for "I want to keep reading when you are not looking." This is my sneaky little darling!)
Me: No, I think I'm going to stay in here with you for a bit and tuck you in.
MLD: I just want to be alone Mom, please!
Me: No sweetie. Get in bed, put the book away, and get some sleep. You look very tired.
MLD: Please Mom, let me be alone. I just want to be alone!
(My Little Darling climbs out of bed, laying on the floor pouting now.)
Me: Get back in the bed and lay down, its getting late.
MLD: Please Mom, I just want to be alone!
(Repeat last two lines of dialogue about 3 times....then....)
Me: Get in this bed now, or you will not have access to any electronics for the next week.
MLD: Please Mom! Why don't you trust me? I'm NOT going to read. I just want to be alone. I never get to be alone!
I'd like to say this scenario ended nicely, but regrettably I will admit that I layed there for 5 to 10 minutes seeing red. Thinking to myself; "Why don't I just leave the room and let her sleep, or even read the DAMN BOOK for all I care!" Then thinking to myself; "Because Damn It, I'm the Mom and I WILL NOT CHANGE MY MIND!"
It ended something like this...
Me: I'm leaving now, and you BETTER not pick up that book when I leave the room! (Walking out angrily)
MLD (with sadness in her voice): I'm sorry I hurt your feelings Mom..."
Me (under my breath): What feelings? I'm a Mom, I don't have any!
And so goes another day in the life of a Good Mom Gone Bad. Thankfully I have another day to try it all over again. And believe me, my nightly prayer is that I do it all a little bit better the next day!
Thursday, September 1, 2011
You Think YOU Are A Crazy Mom?!?
So you think YOU are a good mom gone bad? Or maybe even think you're a BAD mom? Well, let me tell you a story!
Driving home on a Wednesday night after church, guess who often shows up? Yep, you guessed it! Bad Mom! Leave church feeling fulfilled, spiritually-fed, feeling good about life in general... and then we start talking to each other!
Mom: How was church?
Daughter 1: Good.
Daughter 2: No response
Mom: Good, I'm glad you enjoyed it. I can't wait to go home and go to sleep!
Daughter 1: Mom, I'm thristy... It's sooooo hot! I can't feel the air. The front seat is too tall. Can you stop and get a water?
Mom: No, we'll be home in 20 minutes. I don't want to stop and buy a water. You'll be alright waiting til we get home.
Daughter 1: But Mom!! It's soooo hot! Don't you always say we should drink more water? I need water Mom... Please stop and get some!
Mom: I'm sorry Sweetie, I really don't want to stop. Let's just get home and drink water then.
Daughter 1: PLEASE MOM! It's soooo hot back here!
Daughter 2: Yeah, Mom! We're SOOO thirsty!
Mom: You can both wait until we get home.
Daughter 1: But it will only take a minute! Why can't we just stop and get a water?!
Daughter 2: Yeah Mom!!?
Mom: We'll be home soon. Drop it!
Daughter 1: FINE! We'll just sweat and suffer and be thirsty, even though you always SAY we should drink water!
Daughter 2: But Mom!
(Beware... Bad Mom monologue coming!)
Mom (at high volume, in "possessed Mom" voice): Why don't you guys drink before we leave church!? You're ALWAYS thirsty when we leave? I'm TIRED! Can't we just go home and get ready for bed?! It's 9 o'clock at night! I've had a long day... Can't we just enjoy each other's company for the last moments of the day?! Must we ALWAYS argue!?
Daughter 1 (practically in tears): Mom, maybe we should go to counseling so we can get along...
Mom: Fine! (Now THERE's compassion for you! )
And so goes another night in the life... of a Good Mom Gone Bad. (Hey, I hear it happens to the best of us!)
There's always tomorrow to be the ever-patient, always loving, never forgets anything, compassionate Mom I aspire to be. Wish me luck!
Driving home on a Wednesday night after church, guess who often shows up? Yep, you guessed it! Bad Mom! Leave church feeling fulfilled, spiritually-fed, feeling good about life in general... and then we start talking to each other!
Mom: How was church?
Daughter 1: Good.
Daughter 2: No response
Mom: Good, I'm glad you enjoyed it. I can't wait to go home and go to sleep!
Daughter 1: Mom, I'm thristy... It's sooooo hot! I can't feel the air. The front seat is too tall. Can you stop and get a water?
Mom: No, we'll be home in 20 minutes. I don't want to stop and buy a water. You'll be alright waiting til we get home.
Daughter 1: But Mom!! It's soooo hot! Don't you always say we should drink more water? I need water Mom... Please stop and get some!
Mom: I'm sorry Sweetie, I really don't want to stop. Let's just get home and drink water then.
Daughter 1: PLEASE MOM! It's soooo hot back here!
Daughter 2: Yeah, Mom! We're SOOO thirsty!
Mom: You can both wait until we get home.
Daughter 1: But it will only take a minute! Why can't we just stop and get a water?!
Daughter 2: Yeah Mom!!?
Mom: We'll be home soon. Drop it!
Daughter 1: FINE! We'll just sweat and suffer and be thirsty, even though you always SAY we should drink water!
Daughter 2: But Mom!
(Beware... Bad Mom monologue coming!)
Mom (at high volume, in "possessed Mom" voice): Why don't you guys drink before we leave church!? You're ALWAYS thirsty when we leave? I'm TIRED! Can't we just go home and get ready for bed?! It's 9 o'clock at night! I've had a long day... Can't we just enjoy each other's company for the last moments of the day?! Must we ALWAYS argue!?
Daughter 1 (practically in tears): Mom, maybe we should go to counseling so we can get along...
Mom: Fine! (Now THERE's compassion for you! )
And so goes another night in the life... of a Good Mom Gone Bad. (Hey, I hear it happens to the best of us!)
There's always tomorrow to be the ever-patient, always loving, never forgets anything, compassionate Mom I aspire to be. Wish me luck!
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Hello Mommy!
I know your out there...
Your the mom who gets up with a smile when her alarm goes off at 5:30 A. M
The Mom who gets ready and makes breakfast before waking up the kids.
Your never late for work and the kids are Always on time to school.
You get home after work, make dinner, help with homework, get the kitchen cleaned, work out, do a load of laundry, read a bedtime story, tuck the kids in and (depending on your status) have crazy sex with your Man before you fall asleep.
Add................
Grocery shopping
Sports
House cleaning
Church
Paying Bills
House cleaning
play dates
soccer practice
Dance
Grocery Shopping
Take out the garbage
Cook
Clean
Cook
Shop
Blah..Blah..blah....
REPEAT!!!
Then it happens.... Your on your way to church, running late as usual. the Ford escort cuts you off, he makes the light--You don't.
Angelina is in the back seat asking Ari why shes wearing her jeans AGAIN! An Argument ensues.. You try and mediate...but what you hear is "Shut the F*&# Up!"
Good Moms Gone Bad......
How Bad Are You?
I know your out there...
Your the mom who gets up with a smile when her alarm goes off at 5:30 A. M
The Mom who gets ready and makes breakfast before waking up the kids.
Your never late for work and the kids are Always on time to school.
You get home after work, make dinner, help with homework, get the kitchen cleaned, work out, do a load of laundry, read a bedtime story, tuck the kids in and (depending on your status) have crazy sex with your Man before you fall asleep.
Add................
Grocery shopping
Sports
House cleaning
Church
Paying Bills
House cleaning
play dates
soccer practice
Dance
Grocery Shopping
Take out the garbage
Cook
Clean
Cook
Shop
Blah..Blah..blah....
REPEAT!!!
Then it happens.... Your on your way to church, running late as usual. the Ford escort cuts you off, he makes the light--You don't.
Angelina is in the back seat asking Ari why shes wearing her jeans AGAIN! An Argument ensues.. You try and mediate...but what you hear is "Shut the F*&# Up!"
Good Moms Gone Bad......
How Bad Are You?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)